22.12.03

Blurred thoughts
I thought the break-up was shattering
But maybe I was always shattered to begin with
Lost in my fragmented pieces of so-called reality held togather in my head
What do I actually live in?

Dreams? Reality?
Both? Neither?

I like to erase everything sometimes
Stuff that I wrote... pictures that I've drawn
And start anew... a blank canvas
It's so appealing...
the white untouched surface...
Innocence perhaps that it symbolises
But also the dreams that you can pour out onto it
Just the unending stream of thoughts and imagery that it could possibly possess

Christmas comes on Thursday
Yet it still feels so far away
I don't want it fall into the catagory of being yet another holiday
But I think it's slowly becoming that
And in my thoughts, I found out that I never really enjoyed Christmas
*sigh*
That's what happens when your family owns a restaurant
So on Christmas day, when everyone enjoys a family reunion over lunch or dinner
My family and I are out serving those people
Joy of giving is what Christmas is about, you may argue
But it really pushes it to the limit at times
Especially when everyone wants their way...
I remember one year when one of the customers scolded us when he wasn't ushered to his table fast enough to his liking
It really killed the christmas mood... especially when there's not much to begin with when the restaurant staff and kitchen staff are all so tensed about having everything run smoothly
I really had to hold back my tears.
I mean, how could you like being glared at and reprimanded on Christmas for something that is beyond your control?
Even Santa can choose whether the kid has been naughty or nice to reward them
But in our business line, the customer is always right.
Maybe that's why I detest people who give so little and yet expect so much.

But no matter what, I still believe Christmas to be beautiful
A White christmas
It just hit me how poignant that sentance means.
A white christmas for me to dream about...
With snowflakes that shimmer down
With shadows of snow angels imprinted in the ground
With the people that I love around me
With me looking down in his eyes

You can tell so much from looking into one's eyes